#70 - The Real Reason You Reach for Food — And What Your Body Knows

Have you ever finished eating something and immediately felt worse — not from the food, but from the story you told yourself about it?

What if there was nothing wrong with you — and the only thing missing was understanding how your brain and body actually work?

In this conversation, Kena sits down with Lizzie Merritt — certified life coach, bestselling author, and former science teacher — to unpack what's really happening when we eat emotionally in midlife. Lizzie how learning the science of her nervous system changed everything. 

🦋 You'll Discover:

• Why emotional eating isn't a weakness or a lack of willpower — it's your nervous system trying to keep you safe, and once you understand that, the shame starts to lose its grip.
• What's the real reason you reach for the cookie at 9:30 at night — and why it has almost nothing to do with food and everything to do with what you've been quietly saying no to all day.
• A practical three-step framework to break the cycle — not through restriction or control, but through curiosity, self-compassion, and finally learning how to feel what's actually there.

Coming Home Question:

The next time the house gets quiet and something inside you reaches for comfort — what if you paused, placed a hand on your heart, and asked: what am I actually hungry for right now?

✨ Where to Find Lizzie

Website: www.confidentbody.coach
The Confident Body Podcast: https://confidentbody.coach/podcast
IG: @coachlizzie.merritt
FB: www.facebook.com/coachlizzie.merritt

Lizzie invites you to enjoy all the extra bonuses from her book LIGHT: The New Psychology of Weight Loss. Those bonuses can be found at https://confidentbody.coach/light

💜 I created Coming HOME for the woman who has done everything right and still feels something is missing. It's free, it's private, and it might be the most important thing you listen to this year — sign up here!

🦋 Midlife Butterfly is a podcast for high-achieving midlife women navigating emotional exhaustion, people pleasing, self-abandonment, nervous system healing, identity shifts, and midlife awakening. Hosted by Kena Siu, Identity & Embodiment Guide.

Instagram: @midlifebutterfly
Website: midlifebutterfly.ca

Music: Back Home by Alex Productions and  Reborn by Alexander Nakarada

Transcript

When Food Isn’t The Point

Kena Siu 0:03

Have you ever noticed how it's not really about the food? It's the moment right before when the house gets quiet or the day finally slows down. And something inside you starts asking for your attention. And instead of meeting it, you reach for something to soften it because it feels easier than sitting with yourself. A lot of women in midlife are noticing this, especially in the middle of transitions, when roles shift, relationships change, and there's more space to feel what's been there all along. So what if emotional eating isn't the problem to fix, but a pattern pointing you back to yourself? Today I'm joined by Lizzie Merritt. We talk about what's really happening in your brain and nervous system, how these patterns are formed, and what it looks like to start meeting yourself differently without turning it into another thing to control. Welcome, beautiful soul. This is Midlife Butterfly, the space where you remember who you truly are beneath all the roles, responsibilities, and expectations. I'm your empowerment guide, Ken As Yo, and I hold this space for women in midlife who are ready to rediscover themselves, reclaim their joy, and live fully aligned. If you are new here, welcome to our cocoon. You've just entered a place where choosing yourself isn't selfish, it's sacred. So take a deep breath, drop into your heart, and let's dive

Meet Lizzie Merritt

Kena Siu 1:36

in. So in today's episode, we have the pleasure to have Lizzie Merritt. She helps women over 40 lose weight for good. No diet rules, no willpower, and no more starting over on Monday. Lizzie is a certified life coach and best-selling author of Light, The New Psychology of Weight Lost, and You Are a Miracle. She helps women stop blaming themselves for failing diets and finally understand how their brains actually work. As a former middle school science teacher, her work blends real-world brain science, humor, and a refreshingly honest approach to weight loss that actually fits real life. Lizzie is also a military spouse, big believer in the abundance of the universe, and apologetically cries at cheesy commercials. If you ever thought I know what to do, so what I can't just do it, this conversation is for you. Lizzie, welcome to Midlife Butterfly Podcast.

Lizzie Merritt 2:46

Kenna, thank you so much. It is such an honor and a pleasure. I am so looking forward to our conversation talking about transitions and how emotional eatings are patterns and just how we can come back to ourselves and learn, step into more of ourselves as we go through this journey. Yes, I can wait.

Kena Siu 3:06

So let's start with.

Lizzie Merritt 3:13

Oh my, what would I call this stage? The I would call it the quest. There we go. Yes, I've gone through various stages where I would call it maybe the gauntlet, the transition, the the challenge, but this is like the quest of like it's getting fun now. But like, like, but there's lots to get done. There's lots to do. And like, oh, let's go. Yeah.

Kena Siu 3:44

Oh, that's it sounds like fun, actually. Like adventurous, right? Awesome. That's great.

Shame, Guam, And A Turning Point

Kena Siu 3:52

I would like you to share about what your story about emotional eating, like like what really happened into your life that brought you where you are now, and you are helping women at this moment.

Lizzie Merritt 4:03

Sure, thanks. So I was, you know, my my kids were little. I I was actually helping with fitness training for a friend. And so I knew all of the rules, I knew what to do, I knew all the things what to eat, and yet I wasn't doing them. You know, I would be good all day, and then my kids would come come home from school and they'd have a snack, and I'd have a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And before I knew it, I was binging on goldfish crackers and Cheerios, thinking, why did I do this again? And I felt so much shame and just imposter syndrome because I was a fitness instructor. And I really struggled with that. And eventually, due to my husband's job, we moved to Guam. And Guam is a very tiny island in a very, very large ocean. And so I was lonely and overwhelmed, and all the feelings and food and alcohol was my way to handle it. And one night I really overdid it and you know, woke up at 2:30 in the morning for some water and some Advil. And I went to my kids' room to check on them, but it really wasn't actually to check on them. It was to punish myself because I was saying all the awful things in my head of, you know, what kind of mother acts like this? What awful thing, you know, what patterns are you teaching your children? And then it all came down to the worst thought of all, which is you don't deserve them. And that was a really low moment, but it was an important turning point for me to realize I gotta this, I gotta figure something out. Like diets aren't working, clearly. And but this pattern isn't is isn't going anywhere. And so with a lot of, you know, learning self-compassion, learning how to love myself and be messy, I learned to, you know, try and figure out what is that missing piece. Because if diets aren't working, what is missing? I knew there was something, you know, something missing. And so I dove into uh behavior change and brain research. And I began to realize that actually, when our nervous system doesn't feel safe, then we are not capable of following the quote unquote rules that we know to do because the nervous system is like, I need safety. If food or alcohol is my definition of safety, then that's gonna trump any rule that I know. And it really opened things up for me to realize, oh, it's not that something was wrong with me. I just didn't understand how my brain worked. And so I began to learn how to teach my body and my brain to feel safe very slowly, both with the stressors of life, but also with my feelings, which you know, whoever taught us how to feel those. And over time I began to realize that diets really are the exact opposite way of how to lose weight, and it leads to a lot of emotional eating. And so emotional eating are is actually a pattern, it's a signal, and there's so much juicy stuff underneath the surface you can learn from it if you can begin to read what it's telling you.

Kena Siu 7:07

Thank you for sharing all that. Just I mean, just imagine I imagine yourself going to that room with your kids, it just gave me shields because it's it's amazing how we punish ourselves. And I believe more as women, because of course they are in charge in the case of you. So it's like, yeah, do I deserve them? Because I'm not even taking care of myself. So how am I supposed to do it with them? What example am I giving them?

Lizzie Merritt 7:37

And I mean, that's part of why I am so passionate about what I get to do now, because I see so many women have are walking around in that same just blanket of shame that I was.

Kena Siu 7:48

Yeah.

Lizzie Merritt 7:49

And there's so much pain that is we're we're putting on ourselves that we don't need to. And just like I said, when I realized it wasn't that something was wrong with me, I just didn't

Safety First Instead Of Willpower

Lizzie Merritt 7:58

understand how my brain worked. I want to tell everyone, like, there's nothing wrong with you. It's that you were taught the wrong message. Let's help you figure it out in a way that you don't have to shame yourself and judge yourself. And you can let go of that blanket of shame and start to live into who you are.

Kena Siu 8:13

Yes. And what is some of the things that you share that that you help women with to actually release that blanket of shame that it might be so heavy?

Lizzie Merritt 8:25

Yeah. Well, I come about it from a couple different angles, but the the main one is instead of trying to follow rules, let's experiment, let's let's play a little bit, let's just see what happens. That's where my former middle school science teacher brain comes in of like, you know what, let's let's get a little messy. Let's see what happens. And what that does, particularly with weight loss, weight loss is really tricky. It's not just your average everyday goal. It's not like I want to write a book or I want to, I don't know, you know, get a job. Weight loss is very, very personal. It's very tied to our identity, it's the body we live in. And so many of the clients I talk to will tell me it feels like my failure is out on display for the whole world to see in the size of my clothes, in the seatbelt extender I need on the airplane. And so it weight loss is very, very personal. And so it's very high stakes. And so failure, it's not again, it's not your average day fear of failure. It is really, really intense because if I quote unquote fail at trying to lose weight, I am a failure. It's it's very identity invoking. And so the reason why I look at things from an experimental lens where it's like, let's just see what happens, let's play with it. I want to reduce that fear of failure. They're like, we're learning. And learning is all about trying something, seeing what happens, gathering some data, and then let's adjust and iterate. And that's what weight loss is a process of change. And to order to change, you have to be able to learn. But if you ever have been into a kindergarten classroom, you know that learning doesn't happen if a child doesn't feel safe. And same thing is happening in our brains. We need to feel safe in order to be able to learn, and so it's all about creating that safety so that you can learn.

Kena Siu 10:21

So it means that you work, I guess, maybe first more into the nervous system before then moving to some, in that case, to that testing or that yes.

The Iceberg Under Weight Loss

Lizzie Merritt 10:36

Yeah. Okay. Exactly. Now, I like to say that I love analogies. So one of my analogies is that weight loss is a lot like an iceberg. And so what to do in order to lose weight is that stuff we see above the surface, the action steps. And most of us know that. We know those things. But all the reasons why it's hard to follow through on those what to do things is all of that big iceberg that's underneath the surface.

Kena Siu 11:02

Yeah.

Lizzie Merritt 11:03

And while many, there are definitely themes, everybody's iceberg is a little bit unique because no one has had your life experiences, you know, the thing that somebody said to you in second grade, the traumas, the diets you've tried. And so everyone's iceberg is a little bit unique. So I always kind of meet each individual client where they're at.

Kena Siu 11:25

Yeah, and I think that's why, you know, we have all these labels with different kinds of eating ways, right? Like, I don't know, vegetarian, vegan, paleo, and all whatever else it is, but at least for what I have experienced in my life, I don't like using those labels because then it's like, but if I say I'm vegan and then or vegetarian and then I'm eating meat, it's again part of the identity. What other people are gonna think too. And it's like, yeah, but no, but if you're really listening to your body and follow it, is just do what your body is telling you what it needs at that very moment. So you don't have to really marry with this title and they'll and then yeah, then get stuck in there.

Lizzie Merritt 12:21

Exactly. Yeah. I mean, sometimes when I meet someone and they, you know, I tell them what I do and they say, well, do you ascribe to a certain type of diet or you know, paleo vegan, etc.? And I said, No, or I say no, because any diet will work as long as you can do it forever. And so I actually tell my clients, I don't ever want you to diet again. I want you to figure out the system that works for you that so that you can not only lose weight, but you can live at a lower weight. Because this is about living at a lower weight, not just losing the weight. Yeah.

Kena Siu 12:57

Yes. Ah, yeah. Me and diets I also like. Uh yeah, no. And then also, because one of the things I said, yeah, about the calories, yeah, but a banana has can have the same amount of calories that a cookie. And so what's better? You know, I think a banana is healthier than a cookie, so it's it's just too many things that it's about, I guess, questioning sometimes, not just because someone says so. So it's more okay, like as you said, experiment. What does it work with you? Because you are unique. So what does it work for you specifically?

Lizzie Merritt 13:36

Yes. And to me, the interesting question is less about what's better, the banana or the cookie. It's more, you know, kind of why do you want the cookie? If it's, you know, let's say it's 9:30 at night and you're not hungry, but you're like, I really want cookies. I'm like, this is so fascinating. Why? What's going on? What's that iceberg underneath the surface where you're like, I don't really want a banana right now. I want a cookie. I'm like, okay, that's great. Tell me more. What's what there's so much good

Why The Cookie Calls At Night

Lizzie Merritt 14:04

juiciness there?

Kena Siu 14:05

Yeah. And I guess just asking that question and pausing to ask that question instead of just going right away towards the cookie, right?

Lizzie Merritt 14:14

Yeah, well, because we have so much judgment of like, I shouldn't have a cookie, I shouldn't this, and then I was bad because I had the cookie. And like, again, you can't learn if you don't feel safe. And all of that judgment creates a lack of safety. Yeah.

Kena Siu 14:31

And what do you think is actually like that urge in that case? If I would like to take this cookie, like what is usually some of the things that we actually that are behind that we don't notice or we don't type take better to say, we don't take the time to notice. Sure. Great question.

Lizzie Merritt 14:52

And there's buffet of answers. So it's your unique iceberg, but I'll give you a couple of typical ones. So let's say someone is eating, you know, a bunch of sleeves of Oreos of cookies at 9:30 at night. And so why? For one person, it might be this is the first time all day she's had a moment of quiet. No one is asking anything of her, and it is her one moment of time for herself, and she's like, Finally, something for me. That could be one. There could be somebody else, let's say someone who is single and is lonely, and she has a memory that she loved her grandmother, and her grandmother showed her love through Oreos and cookies, and it's 9:30 at night, and she's feeling lonely. And the Oreos make her feel a sense of connection and comfort to someone she loved. That could be a different reason. Somebody else could have had a day where, you know, the day was the day, but then a partner said something, and the story she tells herself is I'm the only one that ever gets anything done around here. They don't appreciate me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And this is, you know, I'll show them. And so it's, and it feels like like this is my my one opportunity to claim something that's mine. Like it's my, you know, we've we've been people pleasing and doing and saying yes to everybody else all day. Well, internally quietly saying no to ourselves, don't say that. Be the nice girl. And the cookie is like the one time where you're like, here's what I want, and it matters. So that's just three examples of like one action could mean lots of different things, depends on the person.

Kena Siu 16:31

Wow. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy because I mean I can't relate to all of that, to all of those. And as you said, it's just different approach, and and but it happens and it's there. Yeah, yeah.

Lizzie Merritt 16:49

And so that was one of the things when I was doing research for my recent book, was I wanted to give the framework of how to approach weight loss specifically, but really anything, but weight loss from that experimental, lighthearted, less uh shameful mindset. But then I also wanted to talk about let's address the things that get in the way, like people pleasing. You've been saying yes to everybody all day, you've been the nice person, you've, you know, of course, I'll, you know, run that errand for you, or I'll pick you up when it's really inconvenient for me, or of course, you know, all those things. And you know, eating can become the one way that we make a choice for ourselves. And so it comes out kind of sideways, or perfectionism. We've got, like when we were little, the only way to feel safe at home, what you know, perhaps there was an authoritative parent that our little child brain learned, I've got to be perfect or I'm not safe. And so now we're here, here I am as an adult. I've got to be perfect with the diet, but life happened and I had the cookie. Well, I'm a failure. And so, like, I wanted to talk about all those things that the you know, keto or weight watchers, they don't tell you about perfectionism, they don't tell you about people pleasing and you know, excuses and so forth. And so it's like, let's talk about that stuff.

Kena Siu 18:07

Yeah. Yeah, I love that you mentioned this because I mean, we are holistic beings, so of course everything is connected, right? So it's like being it from that way, and you know, like not only what's your eating pattern or your belief, but what's really behind it, because as you said, it's about the story of the person, the way they have experienced life and their trauma and all this. And then I think most of the people, if not everyone, at one point we were people pleasers.

Lizzie Merritt 18:40

Oh, yeah.

Kena Siu 18:41

And having something to eat right away, no matter where, it's easy, right? Just to pick it up here and there. Can be on the car, we can be in the metro, we can be walking, and it's just like as you said, probably doing something that we don't want to do or saying yes when we wanted to say no, and then just showing that.

Lizzie Merritt 19:01

Right. And one of the things that I just love so much, kind of about your message of the midlife butterfly butterfly is that as we come into midlife, one of the beautiful things about getting older is part of us is like, I could care less about what people think. Well, okay, I care a little less at least. But we're beginning to question is this it? Is this everything? Is this who I want to be? And it's such a beautiful time, a cocoon, as you say, for us to be able to look at those old stories, those old patterns that we've been living forever and why, like it's not your fault, but like let's look at them. And as we transform into the butterfly we're becoming, are those old patterns something that you want to continue to choose? Or now that we are getting into midlife and you know, who we are evolving into, what do you want to choose for yourself? Because you do have that power.

Kena Siu 19:58

Yes. Yeah, we're more powerful than we'd think. Yeah, it's just that I guess it's it's a little bit of self lack of a self-trust in there to really say, yeah, I can actually do it. I can I can choose me and still take care of others, but choosing myself and then yeah, I don't know, it's just it it feels scary.

Lizzie Merritt 20:30

It is new and it's different, and it is there's that Mary Williamson quote that you know, we don't fear our failures, we fear how powerful and amazing we could be. Yeah, and I I think I think there's something to that.

Kena Siu 20:47

I think it is because I was talking with another guest the

Midlife Transitions And Choosing Yourself

Kena Siu 20:52

other day, the fact that we have a checklist of what things we're supposed to do, right? Like, I don't know, from school and university, and then you have a boyfriend and then get married and have kids, and we have the checklist, but there is like at midlife from there on, there's no checklist, right? So we kind of feel lost, like, okay, what am I gonna do now? Even though, like at this point, I already dropped the freaking checklist, but at least in the beginning, we kind of have like a guideline, right? And now it's like, okay, all this is happening, all these transitionings, you know, there are losses of dear people, I don't know, separation, emptiness, all these transitions in life, and now it's like what do I do? Right, and we feel powerless because of course we want to have the control, which most of the time we don't, but anyway, the fact that it's like, okay, so now this is what I have like what do I choose?

Lizzie Merritt 21:49

And who I want to yes, yeah, and that's really interesting because uh again, like the beauty of your message is. What do you want to choose? Ask the question. Choose it intentionally instead of just being like, this is so disoriented. I feel out of control. You know what? Let's eat. Which, you know, we might do that too, which is totally understandable. Yeah. But yeah, it's it's like, let's ask, what do I want to choose? And you probably won't have an answer. Your answer will probably change 18 times. But it's still so beautiful to ask the question. That's the gorgeousness of this, you know, new blooming, this new blossoming time in our lives.

Kena Siu 22:35

Yeah. Yeah. And do you think that like binge eating, like these kind of patterns about eating, do you think they increase more during this period of our life in midlife because of all these transitions? How how do you see it or how have you experienced it so far?

Lizzie Merritt 22:57

That is a really good question. It depends on the person and if they're asking those questions, if they're choosing to, you know, the transitions are going to happen no matter what. And the transitions are, you know, each person has their own experience, but they're not, you know, nobody does it perfectly because there's no such thing. And so there's going to be the overeats, there's going to be the overdrinks, there's going to be the things that we turn to to numb or, you know, like, oh, I didn't love that choice. But the the people who are able to transition in a way that they, you know, they love, they're blooming, are the people who are asking, what do I want to choose and why? And, you know, they may go through a couple of years of and the answer to what do I want to choose is, I don't know. But at least they're looking versus just feeling like stuck and trapped and like there's nothing I could do about this. And, you know, for those of us who have felt stuck and trapped, and I don't know what to do, that doesn't mean you're powerless. You can ask for help. I mean, that's another thing we get to learn as I mean in life. You can ask for help. Yeah.

Kena Siu 24:05

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes we become such a what's the word? Lone wolves that we forget that there's people there who are actually there for us, but it no, no, I'm the independent one. And I'm the, I don't know, just you know, feeling feeling the ego here, like saying I can do it on my own. But at the end, it's like we're having this beautiful conversation, and hopefully a lot of you know, the audience are really gonna benefit from this. And it has to be a co-creation part. And sometimes we forget that part of co-creating with others and how we can nourish and support each other.

Lizzie Merritt 24:40

Yeah.

Kena Siu 24:41

Yeah.

Lizzie Merritt 24:42

Well, I mean, we've so many of us have spent decades probably of like identifying as I am the one who holds it together, I am the one who gets things done. You know, if if something's wrong, I'm the fixer. And frankly, that feels good to be relied on for that. Like we get a lot of validation for that. At the same time, it's lonely. You know, who who helps when like the fixer, the the person who is the getter of things done when she's tired, you know? And so it's it's a great again opportunity to just question do I want to keep operating by those own old rules, or can I choose what rules I want to define for myself now?

Kena Siu 25:26

Yeah. And I think that's the important thing. What how do I want to define it for myself? Now set on whatever is out there or what other people are telling me.

Lizzie Merritt 25:40

Right. Right. And that can be really challenging depending on you know our our cultural or societal upbringing, or again, like traumas and so forth that you may have experienced as a young person, or even just life circumstances. Again, maybe you're alone and you're like, I don't, I don't, I feel untethered, I don't know how to navigate this. And so it's it's all there's there's lots of reasons for turning to food to to cope, you know, emotionally. Yeah.

Kena Siu 26:13

Yeah. And so because you said it's not about control of what we eat or restriction, but I think at one point, I don't know, how do you make it work? So then I mean, we talk about the nervous system before. So it's just the only thing that you think we gotta kind of like rearrange for us to don't feel that restriction or control so we can do things long term with our eating habits, or yeah, or is there yeah, is there something else that you work with? Well, besides of course, we talk about emotional eating, what be what is behind, but I'm wondering to really be able to maintain it long term. Yeah, what is how is it that you help?

Lizzie Merritt 27:06

Sure.

Three Steps To Break The Pattern

Lizzie Merritt 27:07

So I will we'll we'll start kind of high level and I'll break it down into three steps. Okay. So going back to that idea of the iceberg, the the what to do is the stuff on top. So pick your you know, eating pattern of choice, whether that's you know, I just want to have a balanced diet or I want to follow vegetarian or you know, it it really doesn't matter to me. Pick if you're like, I really would like to have donuts three times a day. I'm like, all right, we can start there. So start with here's what I how I would like to eat in a way that I feel like I can live my life. In general, most of the people I work with, they're like, I can do pretty well at breakfast and lunch, dinner is sometimes a little off the rails, weekends can get a little, you know, sideways. I'm like, all right, let's start there. Let's start with your real life. And then when in those moments, when you don't follow kind of what you think you want to do, and I very purposely did not say what you're supposed to do, when you didn't follow what you would like to do for yourself, that is the moment. That is the treasure chest where that you can open it up and find the gold underneath. Except that so many of us look at that moment when we didn't follow what we wanted to do and we're like, ugh, I blew it. We look at that treasure chest and we're like, that is an ugly box. And I say, no, let's open it up and find the gold, good gold and the treasure inside. So here's the three steps. When you have a moment you didn't follow what you wanted to do, number one, start with regulating your nervous system. So this is like a mind body tool. And Kenna, I will tell you, I knew about mind body tools for years, and I was like, those are cute, that's nice. I should do that, and didn't do it ever. Until I realized, because I love me some science, that when your body is activated, 80% of our nervous system is below the neck. So when your body is activated, like it's the body is in charge, like the messages are not coming up the neck to the brain. So basically, you're in a fight or flight, and your body is like, all right, let's send the oxygenated blood to our heart, our lungs, and our muscles. Get ready to run away. Which means that oxygenated blood is not in your brain. So you cannot think your way out of a dysregulated response. Dysregulation can happen because you're stressed, because somebody said something, because you've got a story in your head of like, I always fail, you're tired. Any kind of reason. Like it's it happens to all of us all the time. Like there's no judgment or shame. And so you want to start with step one is regulate your nervous system. Put your hand on your heart, do some breathing exercises. One of my favorites is called voo breathing. So that's vias and victor, oh-oh. And you just breathe in and you make that sound, voo, as you breathe out. Nice long exhale. And that helps in two ways because when you exhale longer than you inhale, that signals safety to the body because you're not running away from something with really large teeth. And also the voo vibrates your vocal cords, and so that massages your vagus nerve, which is a big bundle of nerves that goes all the way up and down the front of our body. And the nervous system is like, okay, okay. And that just allows a little bit of that gorgeous, beautiful, oxygenated blood to return to your brain so you can have a little bit of thinking power back in your brain.

Kena Siu 30:39

So that's step one. I love that kind of freedom, by the way. Yeah, it is so soothing, it's just it's magical. Oh, I know, it's the best.

Lizzie Merritt 30:48

And sometimes I'll do that with clients, but beforehand, I'll be like, on a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable or or anxious do you feel? And they'll say like a seven or an eight. And we do five of those breaths, and afterwards they're like, I'm at a four. What did you do? It's like, well, you know, it's magic. Okay, so step two is then to check in with your feelings. And this is something that nobody ever taught us to do is to how to feel your feelings. And it's surprisingly simple and even not that hard, but it's profoundly scary. And so here's what you do. You simply say, What am I feeling? And you're looking for like one word anxious, angry, confused, frustrated. And then you say, Here's the important part I am allowed to feel that way. I don't have to fix feeling anxious. For just one minute, I'm allowed to just feel anxious or frustrated, whatever the word is. And then you take a big deep breath and you blow it all out. Now I like doing it five times because a lot of times the really, you know, sticky feeling is like buried a third or fourth layer deep. But just I'm allowed to feel anxious. I'm allowed to feel angry. How many times have you told yourself I'm allowed to feel angry? Never. You're supposed to fix it, you're supposed to do something, you're supposed to be nice. And we judge ourselves for feeling whatever, and we don't let ourselves feel it. And so for just 60 seconds, you can say, I'm allowed to feel whatever the feeling is. Yeah. So that's step two. Step three is then what's the story I'm telling myself? The story I'm telling myself is I really want the Oreos because I deserve it. I really want the Oreos because I'm bored. I really want the Oreos because they just taste good. And so that is sort of like a doorway in. It's not necessarily going to solve really what's going on, but it just helps you begin to investigate and be like, all right, what really is? Am I if I'm not actually hungry, like what is going on here? What is what does my brain think the Oreos will solve?

Kena Siu 33:00

Yeah. Wow. I love it. And it's it's it's simple. It's simple, but I but I understand at the same time, as you say, it's scary to get there because well, first of all, as you said, we tr we tend to go fix the thing, but how are we gonna fix the problem if we are with the same energy of the problem, right? So it's about then pausing, as you said, and regulating the the nervous system just to take taking this breathing and then just allowing the feelings. I it is so important. It is so important, otherwise, we just got stuck in there, and then I guess we pile up with more other emotions in there when we try to re when we try to reject it or ignore it, yeah, that it's just it gets worse. It's if we as you said 60 seconds, 90 seconds, it might fade away, or it might just at least soothe a bit, and we don't feel again like the nervous system or in the fight or flight just because we are avoiding right that little time.

Lizzie Merritt 34:14

And what's so interesting too is I find sometimes smart women struggle even more to feel their feelings because they're like, Well, this feeling doesn't make sense because like I totally understand what triggered it, but it's it shouldn't be here because it's illogical.

Kena Siu 34:32

Yeah, but that's the thing. They're trying to feel with the mind. You cannot feel with the mind.

Lizzie Merritt 34:38

I was in a coaching session where I was the client not too long ago, and I was I was you know explaining the situation, and my coach said, You're feeling shame. I was like, I know, but it doesn't make any sense because reason, reason, reason. And she was like, So what? I did not have a response to that. I was like, Oh, I guess I'm just supposed to feel shame. Crap. Okay. So we're we're all on this journey together. Yeah, yeah.

Kena Siu 35:03

But it's funny how we we try to figure out everything.

Lizzie Merritt 35:07

I know, yeah.

Kena Siu 35:08

We always try to figure out something like it doesn't have logic for the mind, it's like, no, it cannot be. Well, it is actually happening, so it is there. So true. Just let it be.

Lizzie Merritt 35:20

Right. It's here, so what do you want to do about it? How about we feel it?

Kena Siu 35:23

Oh fine. Oh my god, yeah, it's it's hilarious how we actually. Yeah, I think it's just this funny thing, just to look at our our humanness in this way, it's just like, okay, just laugh about it instead of crying about it, right?

Lizzie Merritt 35:40

Yeah, or cry too, like that's also allowed.

Kena Siu 35:43

Yeah, of course, yeah. That's also valid.

Physical Hunger Versus Emotional Hunger

Kena Siu 35:50

How can you help women differ differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger?

Lizzie Merritt 35:59

Oh, this is a good question. So I have the sort of official answer and then a hack. Okay. So a lot of times I'll ask my clients, like, you know, when you're, you know, when are you overeating? Like, well, I'm typically, I have a snack in the afternoon. I say, okay, are you hungry? And they're like, I think so. And so I said, here's what I want you to do. When you think you're hungry, ask yourself with no judgment, how do I know? What physical signals is my body sending me that's telling me I'm hungry? And now everybody's body is different. I mean, some signals are you know uniform across, but like your body is your unique one-of-a-kind fingerprint. So it's very useful to get to know your body's signals. Sometimes you know you're hungry because your stomach is crumbling. Sometimes you might have sort of like some brain fog and some distraction. A weird hunger signal I have is that I get this sort of anxious, tight tension in my chest. It's a signal to me that my cortisol is rising because I haven't eaten in too long. And I'm like, oh, what do you know? Time to eat. Then that's one that I need to check in with. It's like, is this an eating thing or my thoughts are creating some stress? So that's that's the sort of official answer. Ask yourself, how do I know I'm hungry? But the hack is pick a food that is fine. Like you don't hate it, but it's not exciting to you. So a hard-boiled egg, some carrots, an apple, something that's like, it's fine. But you know, you're not jonesing for it at 9:30 at night. And so then you ask yourself, would I have an apple right now? Would I have a hard-boiled egg? Am I that kind of hungry? And if the answer is no, again, it's not a problem, it's a signal. This is this is your treasure chest. Let's open it up. Be like, interesting. Why do I want the Oreos and not the hard-boiled egg? Oh, I'm avoiding that email I'm supposed to write because I'm afraid of getting rejected. Oh, yeah, that. Okay. That kind of thing.

Kena Siu 38:04

I love it. And it's funny coming back to the mind, like we we want to figure out everything with our mind, but then we forget to ask these smart, these kind of smart questions to get us out of the way, or or just to get the clarity that we need at that very moment when we're taking an action that in a way feels like off.

Lizzie Merritt 38:26

Right. And

Making Peace With Your Body

Lizzie Merritt 38:28

it's so interesting when you talk about like we want to solve everything with the mind, which makes sense. Our society absolutely is geared towards that. But our bodies are this incredible miracles. Like, if you think about all the things that are happening in your body that are going right for you just to be here and be breathing, wow. You know, your eyes can see, your heart is beating, your ears can hear, all the things. It's just how is how does your body know how to do that? And so our bodies have so much wisdom. And a lot of times when we've had decades of trying to lose weight, we have really disconnected from our bodies because it has felt like a battle forever. They're like, my body is not obeying what I want it to do. It is not losing the weight, it's not, it's not being the shape that I want. And it's just it's it becomes a very antagonistic relationship between you and your body. And that's where I wrote my first book called You Are a Miracle, because I was like, I and I had to go through this, my, you know, my own journey of battling against myself. And finally, I was like, this is ridiculous. You know, diet and exercise are not making me happy, so it's got to be something else. Maybe it's between my ears. And I began to realize, you know, me and my body are gonna be together for a long time. Maybe we could make this a partnership. Like, even if we just make it neutral, that would probably be a net positive. And so I beg I spent a full year just spending some daily time practicing, thinking about like, all right, what's going on inside my body? Again, I really like science. So it's like I think about the scientific processes. Like, what is happening in my digestion right now? How does my body know how to release those enzymes? That is crazy. What a miracle! Wow, and then you can, you know, find a body part. It's it's crazy, amazing. And you can find ways to feel awe and gratitude for your body for what's going right today, even if it's not the size that you want it to be.

Kena Siu 40:27

Yeah. And the thing is, there are so many shapes, so many colors, so many expressions of the body itself. But I think the media has sell us something that we just are following. And I think that's probably where this battle starts. What you are saying, you know, this fight that we have within us, saying, No, but I'm not this size, I I'm not like this, I'm not like that. Yeah, but your body is different, right?

Lizzie Merritt 41:04

And that that desire to to fit into the mold that we're told by society, by our parents, whatever, is is innate because as human beings, we are social creatures. And you know, back in the caveman, cavegal days, you know, we survived by getting along and assimilating into the group. And so it's baked into our DNA to want to fit in. And so if you look at yourself and you say, my body size, style, et cetera, doesn't fit in with what I'm told I'm supposed to look like. I've it's a it's a legitimate nervous system threat. Like your nervous system feels like this could be a life-threatening event or threat because I'm not like the others. And back in the cave gal days, if you were different and you were ostracized, you would get eaten by something big and you know, with teeth. And so that's like why it is so so prevalent in our our minds to be like, I want to be what they we know, what I'm supposed to look like. And so we don't even see that it's like this cultural image was thrust upon us. We're like, no, no, it's what I want. You're like, well, that's what somebody told you to want, and now you want it.

Kena Siu 42:19

Yes, that's the thing somebody told you to want. Right. Because your soul doesn't mind, your soul just wants these avatar, these this body, as you said, it this it's we have some amazing machinery in here, and we take it for granted, right? That when we take that pause of saying, Yeah, I am grateful for everything you are giving me for everything that I am, and as you said, like all the functions in the body, we don't even have to do anything, right? Right, at least, like one of the things will be to actually feed the body as properly as we can so it can function the best it can for as long as it can. So the responsibility that we have is not as as much, if we can put it that way, for the 24-hour work that the body is doing every second.

Lizzie Merritt 43:14

Right, right. That's a that's an interesting point. Oh, I I'm gonna mess up this quote, but there's a quote that like something about like the sun gives the earth light and energy every single day with with ever without a thank you, you know, and it just does. And you know, what kind of love is that? That's amazing. And so what you as you were describing, the body is like the body is like the sun. Like, I'm gonna show up for you today because I love you, because I'm here. Yes. And so again, I I butchered that quote, but anyway, it made me think of that.

Kena Siu 43:52

Yeah, no, but it's beautiful because that's that's the thing. He loves us so much that he's still here and still. Struggling, and the thing is sometimes, you know, when we get fat or something, it's because the body's trying to actually protect our organs for all the crappy food that we are given it, and it's just creating that fat around to protect and that's some of the things that we don't know or we don't understand. I remember I took a certification as a coaching habit. So we we talk about a lot about the eating habits, and when I I remember when I hear that, it's like, oh my god, I have this belly and my body's actually protecting me and I'm rejecting it. Yes. Like it just like I couldn't believe it.

Lizzie Merritt 44:40

Yes. And I mean, there's again that iceberg, there could be, I've met many clients who perhaps they had a reason, you know, again, a trauma or something that feeling seen, feeling slim, attractive, noticed, got them unwanted attention. And so the psyche puts on fat as a barrier, as a self-protection mechanism. It helps me feel safe from being too noticed, from being vulnerable in that way again. And it's like, oh my gosh, our body does that for us. It's it's it's saving us. It's a binge. How many clients have I talked to who binge and they they judge themselves like crazy for that behavior? And when we unpack it, I help them understand that that behavior is not bad. It is a like your nervous system throwing you that rescue, Billy, saying something crazy is going on in your nervous system, and the binge is a way to save you from it because it makes everything else go quiet. And so once they realize, oh, the binge is not morally like this weakness, it's a it's my nervous system rescuing me from whatever the noise is in my head, it doesn't fix it, but it reduces a lot of the shame and the judgment. I'm like, okay, that is step one.

Kena Siu 45:58

Wow, that makes a lot of sense. Do you have do you have more samples like that? Because I think it's it's fascinating.

Planning For Patterns That Repeat

Lizzie Merritt 46:06

Yeah. So I had another client who found herself snacking pretty consistently around four o'clock in the afternoon. And I was like, you know, are you hungry? She's like, well, uh, yeah. We did the Apple tests. And she's like, probably, probably not, because I'm I'm reaching for the chips and the cookies. And so I was like, well, tell me about the rest of your day. She's like, Well, I'm an introvert, but my job has me, you know, interacting with people a lot during the day. Plus, we've had some layoffs, and so basically she's doing the job with three people. And so she's having to interact with people, which is different. Like her nervous system feels a little bit fight or flight-ish from that. Plus, she's got lots of extra responsibilities. So it's like, you're just that that afternoon snack is your nervous system rescuing you from the stress, from saying, like, I am dysregulated, I am out of my window of tolerance. Food is a way for me to feel safe. It's also a way for me to get a break, you know, because a lot of us only allow ourselves a chance to take a break if I'm doing something quote unquote productive, and eating feels at least mildly productive. That's how many of us can allow ourselves to just rest and do nothing else. Woo! Radily. Right. Yeah. So what we did was we're like, all right, if there's a pattern, this is great. Because if it's a pattern, it's not a surprise. If it's if it's not a surprise, you can expect it. And if you can expect it, you can plan for it. So we built in that, like a break for her around two o'clock, where she would shut the door to her office. She would take a couple of breaths. We do that. What am I feeling? I'm allowed to feel that way. Big breath, blow it out, do it five times. And she would message me afterwards. But it was like, so we had a little bit of accountability because it's so easy to be like, that's a good idea, and then we never do it. And so we we set up a little of accountability. So it was like, tell me then when you did it, what did you notice? And she began to realize that she felt more in control. Her urges were less. Like she still had stress, she still had things she had to do, but she was like, I don't need the food as much. And so it took the urge down from like a nine to a to a six to a five. And it also took away some of the judgment from the urge instead of like, why can't I stop eating chips at four o'clock? It was like, oh, it makes sense why I want to eat chips. Okay. I can still have the chips, it's one way, it's just a coping tool, but you can add in other ones as well.

Kena Siu 48:34

Yeah, I love it. As you said, there's an identity shift that needs to happen for us to for the person to really get out of this how we see ourselves, better said, either just physically or I guess not only that, it has to be also emotionally and and you know mentally, because sometimes at least I I I noticed in myself, like at one point I was I remember in university, I I gained a lot of weight, and even though afterwards I lose it, I was still seeing myself as fat, if I can put it that way. Sure. So how is it sometimes that how can we get to that like identity shift to really say, no, like I'm not that anymore, or I don't look like that anymore?

Becoming A Normal Eater

Lizzie Merritt 49:33

Such a good question. And it's really common whether, like, particularly for clients who have lost a lot of weight, like 100 pounds or more. I hear very often that they they they don't even know what size clothes to buy because they're buying the XXL and they'll try it on and they're like, this is way too big. But they there's a disconnect in their brain of like, I can't quite see that I my body is a smaller size now. And so that it really takes some proactive effort. But for my clients who are have gotten to you know a lower weight or maintenance, it still is a very intentional mindset shift that like there's the a dieter and a maintainer is not the same thing, and so that's why I tell my clients, I don't ever want you to diet again. I want you to learn to be a normal eater. And so here's what I say is that a dieter follows rules or rebels against the rules, but a normal eater makes choices. So for example, if you were to stay up late tonight, you would make that choice, you'd probably feel tired tomorrow. It's a choice, it has an outcome. It's not moral, it's not good or bad, it's just logically, I stayed up late, I feel tired, let's move on. If you stayed out in the sun, a logical outcome is your skin would be sensitive, it may be a little red. It's not good or bad, it's not moral, it's just I made a choice. Perhaps I was having fun with my family, whatever it was, logical outcome. If you lift weights, it's not good, it's not bad, logical outcome, your muscles are sore. If you eat a loaf of bread, logical outcome, the scale will be up tomorrow because you're holding on to water. If you have, I don't know, salad, logical outcome, the scale, you know, your body's gonna use up that energy and the scale will be lower eventually. And so neither the bread nor the salad is good or bad. It's simply a choice with logical outcomes. And so, for example, I recently was traveling, and you know, when you travel, sometimes you have opportunities for unusual foods that you don't always eat. So I love cookies, got a chance to have some cookies, and so it's a choice. Is the taste of this cookie worth the outcome on the scale tomorrow? In my case, I was like, yes, by the way, this cookie was delicious. It was worth it. It wasn't a Chips Ahoy. And so it's not like, oh, I was bad because I had the cookie. It's like I proactively chose to have the cookie. I proactively know it's gonna have a little bit of an impact on the scale, but it's really just gonna be a little impact unless I say, oh, I was bad, the heck with it. We're gonna, you know, just eat whatever all the rest of the day. And so that's that's kind of how I I encourage clients to go through that identity shift from a a dieter to a normal eater, to be thinking about like, I just want to make choices, and you can like your choices, you can not like your choices, but you don't have to make it moral, you don't have to make it good or bad or mean anything about you.

Kena Siu 52:44

I love what you said because I think it's so important, at least that's some of the things that I practice is the fact that okay, I'm gonna give myself permission to eat this, you know. I don't know. I love cheesecake, for example, and I will eat it once, I don't know, every few months. But when I eat it, it's like I'm going just to enjoy it.

Lizzie Merritt 53:03

Yes, please. I mean, what's the what's the point of having cheesecake if you're gonna guilt yourself all over it? Like have cheesecake and love it.

Kena Siu 53:12

Exactly. And then there's no guilt, there's nothing. I already, you know, my the craving that I was having, then it will go away, and then again, it will happen in a few months. Instead of then having that craving over and over again, and then not allowing myself to have it.

Lizzie Merritt 53:31

Yeah, yeah.

Kena Siu 53:34

Wow. Yeah, it's it's just so interesting how how we behave and how our mind plays us so many times, and it's that awareness that we gotta have to really say, okay, what's in there? Not really in the mind, but in the body as well.

Lizzie Merritt 53:51

Yes, and it comes back to the kind of the idea of the midlife butterfly of like in our youth, and just by being a member of society, we were taught these rules, these diets, be this way, and so forth. And now in midlife, where we get to be like, hey, wait a second. I was sold these rules that I'm supposed to do this, look like that, and so forth. Do I still buy that? Do I want to choose that? And if the answer is yes, fine. If the answer is, well, a little bit, fine. Like the idea is that you get to choose for yourself that like awareness, what what are the rules I'm you know, sort of secretly abiding by, and then what do I want to choose intentionally for myself?

Kena Siu 54:34

Yeah, definitely. It's about giving ourselves per that permission. Right. Yeah, right.

Lizzie Merritt 54:40

Yeah.

Kena Siu 54:41

Wow. It has been such a beautiful conversation. I'm just enjoying it so much, Lizzie. And I would like to know, like if you would like to add something else that you consider is very important or it's relevant for our audience, that with your experience and with your wisdom, it's worth knowing.

Let Your Light Lead The Way

Lizzie Merritt 55:01

Thank you for that invitation. And one of the things that I believe in so strongly is that weight loss is just a gateway to, you know, you can lose weight, you cannot lose weight, but the whole reason why we are here incarnated as souls into these bodies is to be who we are. Like the divine created you very, very intentionally with your flaws, with your weirdness, with your quirks, not as a mistake, but very much on purpose. And it is those flaws, it is that weirdness that allows the divine to shine through you. And so the more you can live into who you are, if you want to lose weight, great, but like don't let the weight hold you back from stepping into who you are so you can shine your light from within and be that vessel of the divine that wants to be expressed through you. And so the more you can be you and let go of the chains that you've been holding back because you're supposed to look like that or you're supposed to act like that, you know, be as you as you can be and you honor the divine as who you were made to be.

Kena Siu 56:15

What a beautiful message. Thank you, thank you. And I would like to close with asking you this question: what's the pleasure that you enjoy the most?

Lizzie Merritt 56:26

I have lots, but I would say one fun thing I enjoy doing is I'll listen to a cheesy young adult romantic book on Audible and do a paint by numbers. And I just got the book in my ears, and it is so dorky, and I just like painting away, and I'm happy as a clam. Oh, that sounds fun. Yeah, I love it.

Kena Siu 56:48

I love it. Okay, well, thank you so much for being here. All your contact information, I'm gonna share it in the in the show notes, and I know you're having a gift for our audience that is the bonuses that you have for your book light. Am I correct? Okay, yeah. We're also adding that to the show notes so people can, you know, adapt over there and and dig in.

Lizzie Merritt 57:13

Amazing. Well, Kana, thank you so much for this opportunity. It has been just so much fun to talk with you and have just a soul-to-soul conversation. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Kena Siu 57:23

You're more than welcome. It has been a pleasure having you here. Great, thanks so much. Thank you for tuning in to Midlife Butterfly. I hope this episode empowers you in some way. Share the love by hitting follow wherever you're listening and leave a review if you feel inspired. I also love to connect with you. Come say hi on Instagram at MidlifeButterfly. I love to know you. Until next time, keep spreading those wings and leave enjoying growth and project.