#38 - From Self-Love to Swiping: A Midlife Woman’s Guide to Aligned Dating

Dating in midlife serves as a powerful mirror reflecting our self-worth, patterns, and authentic desires rather than just a path to finding someone. It isn’t just about swiping, profiles, or who texts back—it’s about who you are becoming in the process. 

As women in our 40s +, we’re no longer chasing validation, we’re remembering our worth, reclaiming our power, and letting our bodies lead the way in love, intimacy, and connection. In this episode, I open up about what dating has taught me about self-worth, wholeness, and pleasure, and how every experience (even the messy ones) can become a mirror for our own awakening.

If you’ve ever felt like dating was complicated, like you had to settle, or like you were searching outside yourself for love—this conversation will bring you back home to you.

Explore dating as a mirror for self-worth, wholeness & freedom in midlife. Rediscover yourself, your body’s wisdom, and aligned love.

✨ In This Episode, You’ll Hear

• Why dating can become a powerful path of self-discovery in midlife.
• The truth about self-worth, patterns, and not giving your power away.
• How swiping culture turns us into “merchandise” and how to reclaim intention.
• What your body knows about attraction that your mind can’t always see.
• Why wholeness (not a checklist) is the secret to calling in aligned love.

🦋 Reflection Questions

1. When have you noticed yourself seeking validation instead of standing in your worth?
2. What does your body tell you on dates or in relationships—and are you truly listening?
3. If you looked at your own “list” of qualities in a partner, would you date yourself?

Take a moment to reflect or journal about what resonated with you in this episode. If you feel called to share this with a friend who might need it too, please do. Connect with me on Instagram @midlifebutterfly and tune in weekly for more soulful conversations about love, transitions, and creating your most powerful chapter in life.

- - - - -

Learn more about RESET, the Intimate Women's Retreat to pause, play & connect. From October 23-26 in the Laurentians, close to Montreal, Qc, Canada. Check the details and reserve your spot: https://midlifebutterfly.ca/resetretreat - Over 30% discount. DM for details!

If this story touched your heart, share it with another woman who’s navigating her own transition.

And if you’re ready to reconnect with yourself and create your next chapter with more freedom, joy, and alignment, join me on Instagram @midlifebutterfly
or explore The Butterfly Path coaching journey.

Download the Midlife Butterfly Guide with 5 Radical Practices to Heal, Take Your Power Back & Rise

Song: Reborn by Alexander Nakarada

Chapters

• 0:00 Dating as a Mirror to Self-Worth
• 9:43 Dating vs. Loving: Intention Matters
• 15:14 Dating Apps: Beyond the Merchandise
• 23:18 The List: Would You Date Yourself?
• 27:45 Sketch vs. Wholeness: Do the Inner Work
• 32:48 Loneliness vs. Solitude: Enjoy Your Company
• 35:25 Fun Friends: Setting Boundaries

Transcript

Kena Siu: 0:00

Dating in midlife isn't just about finding someone. It's a mirror that shows us who we are, and in today's episode, I'm sharing the real road truths that I've learned about self-worth, patterns, swiping culture, and why my body, and not my head, has become my best guide in love. So let's dive in.

Kena Siu: 0:23

Midlife butterfly, a woman in the sacred in between. She's not who she once was and not quite who she's becoming yet. She's unraveling, awakening, remembering. She's navigating life transitions, divorce, loss, reinvasion moves, with a burning desire for freedom, joy and solid living. She feels a pull to rise, to fly. She is no longer afraid of her own wings.

Kena Siu: 0:55

Welcome back to the Midlife Butterfly Podcast. This is your guest, ken Asiu. It is a pleasure having you back here, or, if it's your first time, welcome to Midlife Butterfly. And yes, so today we're going to talk about dating, but, at the same time, this can apply if you have a partner already, because, yeah, these things are global. So let's dive in On worth and power. On worth and power, I want to remind you that you are already worthy. Just by being alive, by existing, you are already worthy. And I'm mentioning this because if you are going out dating searching for validation, it means that you're giving your power away and that power only belongs to you. So please take it back. Take it back, know your worth. And it's more about remembering, because most of us, we think that we are not worthy. That's a belief that we have, and it's because of all the conditioning and the programming, et cetera, et cetera, that you might know about it. So I invite you to do the inner work to remove those layers that doesn't allow you to know your worth. Okay, so that's an invitation.

Kena Siu: 2:34

Dating versus loving Dating is challenging. Loving it is easy At least that's for me, because I already learned to love myself, so I'm not in the need of someone loving me, because I know I am love and I love myself, right. So for me, it's actually more complicating dating. I don't know for you. Complicating dating, I don't know for you, and I think also, it has to do a lot with the intention Like, what are we really dating for? What's behind it? Is it really just to fuck around, just to have something casual? Are you actually looking for an open relationship? Are you wanting to have a long-term relationship just with one person? So I think it depends. What is it that we are searching when we are dating, and then from there, let's see how the love spreads, right? So, yeah, for me it's easier to love now, at least where I am at this very moment.

Kena Siu: 3:54

And then the mid-form of 50-50. Now I came to the conclusion and, after you know, in the past years, after I've done a lot of inner work and understanding how the feminine energy and the masculine energies work in men and in women, 50-50, I understand now that is overrated, because we are different. Men and women are different, we bring different things to our relationship, and I do consider, though, that it is important that to have, in that case, like an arrangement of the roles that each of us, we are playing, are playing, because sometimes it might be the woman that is actually playing more the masculine energy if she's the one who has to go to work because of the man chooses to be at home, or something with health is happening. You know so. But the same. It's about each individual balancing these energies and then, at the same time, balancing them as a couple, and then noticing who is bringing what, because at the same time, I think it has to be a balance in there, but more from how can I say it? From the strengths that each person brings, from the qualities that each person brings right and not like and this happened to me in my previous relationships that is more like okay, I give this, so I'm expecting you to give back something. So it's not about that anymore. It's about what are you bringing to the table from a place of love and abundance, and because of your personality and your qualities, and because of your personality and your qualities, and what the other person is also willing to give and open to give and, at the same time, to receive, because sometimes it happens that the other person wants to give more and we are not ready to receive it Right. So be aware of these things. Yeah. So this comes like questions like what unconscious roles are you probably stepping into your relationship? That is kind of having that, having that unbalanced and that you can actually, you know, go into it.

Kena Siu: 6:49

Yeah, then let's move on to not merchandise. Oh, my God, have you watched the movie Materialists? They actually mentioned that in the movie and they really struck me. They actually mentioned that in the movie and it really struck me Because I mean, the apps are there. That's the easiest way to connect between quotes with other people at this time. But just when we are, you know, swiping left and right, it's like a catalog of people, you know, and it's I mean, I've been there also, I'm done it Like, but I didn't realize that we are treating ourselves like merchandise, isn't it? I don't know, in a way, and disappointment to our freaking human species to treat ourselves like that. Anyway, that's happening and I have to yeah, to say that I'm also doing it, and I have to, yeah, to say that I'm also doing it. So now, when I'm going into the apps, I'm trying more to be more again, coming back to the intention and coming back with a different energy Because, yes, I mean, it's an app.

Kena Siu: 8:17

The first thing we're going to look at it it's the picture of the other person. You know the height, the weight, the color, the color the background, whatever it says in there. Because the truth is we are humans and we gotta feel attracted to the other person, otherwise, like our body, it doesn't respond. That's the truth, right. But then also with apps is like once we are there, you look at a picture and you said, ok, this could be a potential.

Kena Siu: 8:48

Then from my side is like, ok, did they actually wrote something in their profile? Because for me that gives. If they did, it means that they are putting more effort. That to someone that it didn't write anything in there, that to someone that it didn't write anything in there. Because my perception is like, okay, if they didn't even take the time to write a profile, you know something about them in their bio. That it means that you know, are they going to behave the same in a relationship? You know. Again, that's my perception.

Kena Siu: 9:28

And then, after reading a profile, it's more like, in that case, from my side again is about like, which kind of vocabulary they're using, because I want to connect to someone who has emotional intelligence and to know about their habits, their values, their lifestyle, because I actually want to date someone who has similar you know sorry that do similar things that I do and similar qualities that I have right, and so it's important for me to then know a little bit more on that just by reading the profile. So, yeah, one thing is the again, the picture, the photos, because I I mean the attraction has to be there, but it's also beyond that, it's more of the intangibles that I'm that are more important to me and yeah, so my question is like, what do you look for first? Is it really like the surface you know of the person, or are you also going deeper into what they are saying, into you know their profile? Is it a combination of that? And also, like, what are killers for you? You know, it's important to know this. Like I noticed, I'm not attracted to men who are shorter than me. I mean, I'm 5'7" and I'm definitely not attracted to someone who is shorter to me, you know. So it's important also to be aware of those considerations that you have, because then you don't want to be swiping, you know what is it right all the time just to see what pops up in there and then make people lose their time. You know, let's be considerate when we're looking at the merchandise Shit.

Kena Siu: 11:39

Anyway, moving forward, what about the list? Do you have a list of the person that you are wanting to attract, and how long is that list? I did make a list a long time ago. I don't know where is it. To tell you the truth, it must be written in some of my many, many journals. And the thing is, when I did that list and I chose and I decided to become that list, because how am I going to dare to ask someone or to attract something that I am not? It just doesn't make sense, at least to me, you know, and I'm not saying totally the same, because that's not the point, but what I mean is like, if I want someone who is into personal development, then I'm doing the work too. If I am someone who I want, someone who is into spirituality, then I practice my spiritual journey.

Kena Siu: 12:50

I also want someone who has a similar lifestyle like me. You know that is a digital nomad who likes traveling, that who doesn't have ties to his kids at this very moment in life. Because I want to travel around, you know, because I don't have kids, I chose not to have kids, you know, because I don't have kids, I chose not to have kids. So well, that's probably. Yeah, that's part of the list, that that is part of the list. But I mean, if you want someone who has similar like values like you do, yeah, which are your values? Then are they clear? Are you talking about them, them during your dates? You know, because, again, the list can be very long.

Kena Siu: 13:37

And what I have come to experience, at least you know, by being in my late, late forties, is like because I'm doing the inner work, because I know myself pretty much, then of course, I'm getting more picky with who I want to be now, because I'm becoming that person too, you know. And but I, I might say also at the same time, but being in the apps, it's about like reading between the lines a bit and then also feeling sometimes like how the body is reacting. This is like probably the person didn't fill up. You know the bio, let's say. But it's kind of like I can feel the energy, you can feel the energy, can't you? So sometimes it's like, ok, I'll go for it and see in the conversation what can it flow.

Kena Siu: 14:36

And then the thing is, in those conversations bring questions or comments about the things that you want in this list. So you can discover this, if this person is aligned with you. So you can discover if this person is aligned with you. At least that's what I do, because if at one point the conversation doesn't flow or there's something like very that I don't want from a person, then the conversation finishes. Sometimes I cut it off, like I tell the person you know what this is like? No, or sometimes it happens that from the other side, the conversation that simply doesn't continues, right, because I mean, I'm not here to waste my time, neither the other person's time. It's since by having a conversation, the thing is not flowing. It's that simple. So, yeah, so if you have your list, would you date yourself based on your list? That's a tricky question. That's a tricky question.

Kena Siu: 15:59

Now, sketch versus wholeness. Yes, because the thing is this If you have only a sketch of who you are meaning, if you don't know at a deeper level who you are, you're just looking for someone to fill in the lines, and please don't do that. That's why we keep repeating patterns with different people when we think oh yeah, men are all the same. No, that's not true. It's you or women, right, it is actually you who have these certain wounds or trauma, or your lack of worth or self love, et cetera, et cetera, and you are attracting the people based on all that and most likely, of course, is unconsciously, because we don't know right we will attract people that are alike to your father or to your mom, consciously, most likely unconsciously, you know. So that's the thing. When we understand, and just to let you know and to confirm you this you are whole, you are whole. You are whole. You are not broken, you are not. What happens is through your personal experience, through your transpersonal heritage from your family. You know we have all these wounds and trauma and beliefs and patterns already within us.

Kena Siu: 18:01

The thing is we got to work into healing all those things. That doesn't serve you, for Christ's sake. Are you doing the inner work? Are you taking therapy? Are you with a coach? Do you have a mentor that can guide you? Do that, because if you're just living in, like, time will heal it, yes, but is it going to be the time in this life or in the next one, like the next one? Like come on. Time is life is too short. Life is too short and you're listening to hear about dating, about love. Well, if we want to bring that love to our lives, let's get to work now. Don't let another person come and complete your freaking sketch. No, you are whole. Do the inner work, please, and I'm here if you want help. Fuck, it's just like it's. I don't know. I just better shut up about this. I don't know what else to say.

Kena Siu: 19:19

The thing is, if we want to have a relationship based on self-love, based on accepting who you truly are, you need to know who you are. You need to love yourself. You need to know your wholeness. You need to love those other pieces. You know that are you. Yes, I mean your light, because sometimes we're so fucking afraid of our light, but also the shadow parts, those things that we do we were told to hide, to be shameful or feel guilt or whatever other crap they told us to do with that shadow that when we face it, when we put light to, it's so beautiful. It's part of who you are, it's part of your wholeness and when you welcome it, that part of you, you know your wounds, your trauma. When you welcome it and you can feel whole again, imagine how different is going to be the person and you know the romantic relationship, but also any other relationship, you know, for I don't know, in business partners, in friendships, in collaborations. It goes to everything, because if you're coming from this wholeness and not from a lack of anything, that's what you're going to attract Other people who are whole Also, are at least working on them, and how different can be. You know when you are actually interacting with other people, from your wholeness and not from your wounds. Yeah, yeah, as you can notice, I'm very, very passionate about my wholeness and your wholeness.

Kena Siu: 21:37

Yes, bring it on Dating as a discovery. At least you know what. Yeah, I'm taking dating as a self-discovery. I'm going to dates Like this year. I've been like in four or five dates, I think, and I literally take it like a, you know, to learn more about myself.

Kena Siu: 22:04

You know, with the conversations that I'm having with the other person, does it feel good that he feels off? Like noticing my body, how is my body? You know the sensations of my body, how is it perceiving the other person? You know, because we are energy, we can feel it right away, like in one of the dates that I went to. I mean, as soon as I saw this guy, I was like, yeah, this is a no, this is just a no. But I mean, soon as I saw this guy, I was like, yeah, this is a no, this is just a no. But I mean I was already there. I was not going just to live there, so we had a nice conversation and everything. We have fun. I did have fun, but then it was I took it more like to see, okay, how is my behavior of my body?

Kena Siu: 22:52

Is it moving forward forward? Is this actually moving backwards? You know, like, how open, how close I was being because, yeah, it's really, really the body who speaks when we are with other people and yeah, so I invite you to explore how you behave when you are with others, because it's just, it's self-discovery. We get to learn more about us when we are there and to say, okay, yeah, I, this happened during this date and I enjoy this. So, okay, this could be like another thing to add to the checklist, right To the list, because I love this gesture of the person, of something that they say or probably a behavior that you didn't have before with another person is like, oh, I reacted differently this time, reacted differently this time, you know like, or before. This used to trigger me and now I was like I'm okay with it, you know. So, yeah, dating is self-discovery, it is. It is so be aware of. Yeah, like, what signals does your body, you know, gives you on your dates? You know what are you really listening to it? What are you learning about yourself? Put attention to all that because, I mean, the truth is, everything is about the self. So, yeah, we are dating because we want to share ourselves with someone else, but, at the same time, I mean, you are the one in the body, you are the one in that mind, you are the one experiencing. So, yes, it's about the self. Let's see what you think about this one.

Kena Siu: 24:48

Because it's loneliness versus solitude, because it's loneliness versus solitude, yes, it's two different things. It's two very different things, because the question here is do you enjoy your own company? Because, most likely, if you feel lonely, like if you cannot stand being with yourself, so that's why you might feel alone. The thing is, when you start again coming back to knowing yourself, to knowing your worth, to knowing your wholeness, to loving yourself, to knowing your worth, to knowing your wholeness, to loving yourself, because if you have nurtured all this within you, you will never feel alone, even when you are alone. Why? Because your company is enough. Being with yourself is enough.

Kena Siu: 26:03

I've been living in solitude for almost, yeah, like five years and I freaking enjoy it so much. And, like here, like I'm talking to you, I'm smiling and stuff. That's the same that I do when I'm just talking to myself, because, well, actually I'm just talking to myself here, am I, aren't I? Oh, my God. So, yeah, that's the thing. Learn to enjoy your own company. So then you don't feel in a rush.

Kena Siu: 26:37

You know, for the company of others either, if it's a partner or friends, they gotta be always with someone, or busy and playing video games, or busy in the phone scrolling the whole time, because they cannot be on their own. And if you think about it, how sad is that, that you cannot enjoy your own company? And it might not be your fault because, again, coming back to your trauma, your wounds and all that, probably that's why, right, it's a mechanism for you to having to be there all the time because you are not willing to be on your own, you are not willing to do the work, to get to know yourself, to love yourself, to care for yourself. Yeah, so how is your experience in there, you know, on being alone as loneliness, or just being like being nourished by your solitude, by enjoying your own company, wow. And last but not least, let's talk about fan friends. Let's get a bit spicy here. Yeah, I just yeah.

Kena Siu: 28:41

I just watched a movie and they were calling them fan friends and I think it sounds nicer than saying fact friends, right, because that's the truth. And I thought at the same time that it was funny because I came when I wrote about this topic, about dating. This was back like a month ago or something, and there's no coincidence that I'm actually finally recording this today because of an experience that I've been going through. Anyway, I don't know if it's easy for you to have fun friends, for you to have fun friends. What I came to realize for me is when I get sexually intimate with someone, I fall in love. That happens. Well, I started loving them before, but then, of course, it goes to a deeper level, and this happened, I remember, in before. But then, of course, it goes to a deeper level, and this happened, I remember, in my mid-20s, and now it's happening in my 40s. So I'm not sure I'm going to keep doing that again.

Kena Siu: 29:52

So I would just rather be friends with this person because, again, I love myself and it's very easy for me to love everyone. Yeah, I love you and I don't even know you. Yes, you, dear, listening, I love you because I know you exist, I know you are there and I have love to share. So why not giving it to you while you are listening here, right? So, yeah, allow yourself to receive the love from a person that you may know and you might not know. Well, you're getting to know me here for a bit.

Kena Siu: 30:49

So, yeah, I don't know if fan friends work for you, if it's easier to you to for you, you know, to sleep around, probably that's your preference, that's what you, what's what your intention is with relationships, but at least it's not mine, it's not mine, mine and I just, yeah, like in these days, I just was talking with my friend and I realized I knew this relationship was not going to go further since the very beginning. And then, this last time that we met, I realized that, yeah, like this time. Well, first of all, going back to the body, my body was responding differently this time and you know, it was not all this excitement as before, and I noticed it was protecting herself. Yes, the body is very wise, my friend. It was already protecting itself because it didn't want to get hurt and it happened and I took full responsibility for it and I told him and I said you know what? Because I am hurt and I'm taking again the responsibility for it, I think it's better if we just continue being friends, because I enjoy spending time with you a lot, our conversations are great, we have fun, we do activities and stuff, so I guess we can keep it to that, you know, and he agreed, he did agree. Then, from there I don't know when that's going to happen again, because you know there needs to be some healing in there again, because you know there needs to be some healing in there, but it's, it's part of it, it's part of the human experience, you know. So, yeah, I think my decision from now on is not to have fun friends, at least not fuck friends, just to have fun with them, but not sexually involved, because then it goes into a deeper level.

Kena Siu: 32:42

From my side, yes, so that's what's my share for today. I don't know what you have related more or less to what I have been talking about this. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because dating or being in a romantic relationship. It always comes back to you. It comes back to the self and again, the more you know who you are, the more you know your worth. The more you do the inner work, the more self-care you do, the more you know about your values and what you want, the less complicating dating is going to be and the less complicating finding a partner that matches what you really want is going to be. Don't you think? I do think.

Kena Siu: 33:52

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Yeah, this was fun to share with you and I would like you to share back with me. So please send me a DM at midlifebutterfly on Instagram or, if we're connected to Facebook, just let me know. If you're on Spotify, you can actually write your comments right away. Or if you're listening in Apple Podcasts, you can leave a review and you can share whatever you want in there.

Kena Siu: 34:26

It is my pleasure being here.

Kena Siu: 34:28

It is, you know. I feel it like a privilege actually to share my stories, because I know it can relate in one way in another with you and we learn from others and we can also realize that we are not alone in this path, in this human experience, right? So, yeah, come and share with me, because I don't know you and I would like to know more about you, sending you, as usual, a lot of love. Take care of yourself and I hope to see you here next time. Thank you for joining me today. My love, if this episode sparked something in you, take a moment to reflect or even journal on what came up, and if you feel cold, share with your friend, who might need this too. You know, and you can always find me on Instagram, at midlifebutterfly, and, of course, tune in every week for more real, soulful conversation about love, transitions and creating your most powerful chapter in life. Until next time, remember you are worthy, you are whole, you are love. I love you. You are free and keep enjoying this beautiful human experience. Take care.