#74 - From Functioning to Feeling: How to Reclaim Your Aliveness in Midlife

Are you moving through your days efficiently — but feeling strangely empty inside? What if the life you've built looks fine from the outside, but something underneath has gone quiet?

This episode is an invitation to stop, feel, and ask the question most women never give themselves permission to ask: what does it actually mean to feel alive — not just functional, not just grateful, but genuinely alive?

🦋 You'll Discover:

• Why feeling "fine" is not the same as feeling alive — and why so many high-achieving women have been living in the space between the two without a name for what's missing
• What aliveness actually feels like in the body: presence, sensation, desire, and unperformed joy — and why you've probably felt glimpses of it and dismissed them
• What has been quietly suffocating your aliveness over time, and the surprisingly gentle way back to yourself

✨ Coming Home Question: When did you last feel genuinely, unmistakably alive — and what was it about that moment that made you feel that way?

💜 I created Coming HOME for the woman who has done everything right and still feels something is missing. It's free, it's private, and it might be the most important thing you listen to this year — sign up here!

🦋 Midlife Butterfly is a podcast for high-achieving midlife women navigating emotional exhaustion, people pleasing, self-abandonment, nervous system healing, identity shifts, and midlife awakening. Hosted by Kena Siu, Identity & Embodiment Guide.

Instagram: @midlifebutterfly
Website: midlifebutterfly.ca

Music: Back Home by Alex Productions and  Reborn by Alexander Nakarada

Transcript

What Feeling Alive Really Means

Speaker 0:00

What does it actually mean to feel alive again? Not happy, not productive, or fine, alive. There's a difference, and today we're talking about it. Welcome to Midlife Butterfly for the high-achieving woman in midlife who has spent years showing up for everyone except herself. This podcast is where emotional exhaustion meets nervous system healing and where people pleasing gives way to self-remembrance. I am Kena Siu, Identity and Embodiment Guide because I know you are doing the inner work. It's time to settle that wisdom from your mind into your body so you can feel alive again. In this episode, you will discover why feeling fine is not the same as feeling alive, and why so many high-achieving women have been living in the space between the two without ever noticing. What aliveness actually feels like in the body. Not as a concept or a quote, as a real, physical, recognizable experience you've already had and probably dismiss. And what has been quietly suffocating your aliveness and a surprising gentle way back. Let yourself feel again right now in this life.

Why Fine Feels So Flat

Speaker 1:39

Fine is not alive. Functioning is not alive. Even performed happiness is not alive. And yet, I know there's a lot of no's, but we need to compare what it is not, right? Because I do believe that when we don't feel alive, there is this kind of like quiet flatness that really lives underneath a life that looks fine, but is like blah. Am I correct? I mean, we live through days, you know, like being very efficient and competitive, and sometimes we may feel happy, but there's this gray space in the middle, this distance that doesn't really connect with I believe life must be lived for because life is worth living, life is not here to be survived, life is here to be lived, and that's why alive actually has the word lived in there. But let's go back of what aliveness is not, okay? Because it's it's not this constant happiness or sustained positivity that we've been shown. This feels like manipulation, right? Yeah, we've been taught to be happy, and I understand it's also, I guess, one of our aims in life, but for what I have experienced, feeling alive is even more than that, and then aliveness is not to hit, you know, an achievement, a goal. Because even when you might feel excited for a bit, it's just so instant. You know, it's like a little bit of adrenaline, but really it it fades away very, very fast. Aliveness is not either feeling needed, because what happens when we borrow aliveness, because what happens is that it's going to disappear once that role is not needed anymore, right? And then as high-achieving women, we might think, oh, yeah, I feel alive by being productive, by being useful, you know, by checking the checklist itself. But again, that fades away in a second. So that's not aliveness. Aliveness that depends on external things, you know, achieving, being needed, performing well, it's borrowed and it's shallow.

Remembering Your Last True Aliveness

Speaker 5:33

And it works until a certain time in life and probably in midlife too. But I think it's more of an invitation. Because the more we notice it, that we don't have it, because there's something, there is an a void over there that unfortunately is not fertile. And I think it's when we can feel that call of aliveness. When did you last feel genuinely alive? Something that you really felt it that led you up from the inside. Can you remember a moment like that? I was thinking about it and it goes very like far, far away. I remember it was when I was in fifth and sixth grade. I remember my mom used to do these outfits for me, and I will choose the fabrics, and there they have all these colors and patterns and stuff, and I felt so free and so open to express who I was, and it was all usually like this kind of like joy and fun, you know, like with my friends, and even when I was playing on my own, and that was I don't know, just the first thought that it came to me when feeling alive. And it's not that I haven't felt it since then. I mean, in the last, I can say, I don't know, six, seven years, I have felt again that aliveness so, so purely, so beautifully that it brings me to tears many times. But from that sixth grade to here, you know, it passed over 30 decades, and I think it's during that time, you know, when you get busier, you know, than in your teens because you want to fit in and you want to be liked by someone that you like, and then it comes university, and you know, the different groups of friends that you have, you start doing different things, acting with different people from different cities, at least in my case, because I was I went to study somewhere somewhere else, and then you know, it comes work and and all these responsibilities, and you know, then for different situations, you know, you have experiences with people and circumstances that there comes trauma and wounds, and of course, we should not forget about the collective, the culture, everything that it's coming together while we are growing up, and that's what I believe that we buried ourselves with all this thing from the outside, because during that time of life, we are usually outsourcing, right? Or you are probably outsourcing at this moment. I don't feel I do it that often anymore, it's rare. The thing is, that aliveness, it is there. I want to remind you that it is there, and the first thing that you can do is actually bring a memory to you of when you feel that aliveness within yourself. Because that aliveness lives in the body, it lives in your body, it's not really on the mind. That's what I ask you to bring a memory, it's not about visualizing or imagining, no, it is it is a felt experience, it's not a dot, and that's exactly why so many high-achieving women have lost access to it. Because we keep living almost entirely from the neck up and not from the neck down, so it's that lack of connection with your body that is not allowing you that aliveness to be felt through you.

Four Qualities Of Aliveness

Speaker 11:05

Aliveness actually has four qualities. The first one, of course, is presence, it's being here in the now, not planning or actually managing or performing, which are things that you might use to do, and you have felt that aliveness. Maybe you know, when when you are in nature that you can feel the wind in your face, or when you can feel the sand in your feet, or when you have a real cool, intimate conversation with someone, to the point that it turns you on. It could be also uh unexpected moment of of beauty, you know, as simple as watching a rainbow right after the rain. That stopping is presence, and that's alive. And the more you are present, the more you're gonna be witness of it. Isn't it beautiful? Another quality of aliveness is sensation. Your body sends signals constantly if it's warmed or tension, pleasure, discomfort, the energy is simply flowing through your body. Aliveness is the capacity to actually feel them. And you don't have to analyze them, you just need to feel them. But what happens is when women are in survival mode, you can be numbed because numbness is safer than feeling, and if you are blocking that sensations, most likely unconsciously, I mean, don't feel bad about it or shame about it. It's a simple coping mechanism that your body is using that numbness. Because we were not taught how to feel, how to connect with our bodies. I want to think that that's why you are here. Because you want to reconnect with your body. You might be tired of being in your head most of the time. It's exhausting. It is, right? Another quality of aliveness is desire, and it's desire not as a romantic desire, which of course is beautiful, but in this case it's like when you have a wanting, when you have eagerness for something, either is if you want to create something, to go somewhere, to say something, to express yourself, to try something new. Wanting itself, it's a sign of life. When women stop wanting, it means that something important has gone underground. And again, it's about removing those layers little by little because your desires are there, you have them. You have them. The thing is, have you taken the time? Have you dare to go for them, to ask for them? If you haven't yet, this is your permission asleep, even though you don't need it. You're a grown-up, you're a beautiful being, a beautiful woman in your midlife. You have the right to desire and have whatever the fuck you want. There to ask for it, there to feel it. The other quality of aliveness is unperformed joy. You know, when you just laugh because you cannot hold it back. That beautiful delight, so pure that you forgot to be self-conscious. You just were so spontaneous that joy moves through you without your permission. That's aliveness, you don't have to hold it. Allow yourself that spontaneity and that authenticity to come out of you. That is the real you.

A Simple Aliveness Check-In

Speaker 16:44

And after giving you these four qualities: presence, sensation, desire, and perform joy, I want to ask you to just close your eyes if you're in a safe place. And just take a breath with me here. This breathing through the nose and out through the mouth. On a scale of one to ten, how alive do you feel right now? I'm not talking about feeling grateful or accomplished. It's really about how alive this number is just for you. Notice it, don't judge it. It's more about bringing it to a conscious place because if you were not able to see it before, you are not able to look at it and search to shift it, right? So by bringing that awareness is how you get to shift that number to a higher number if your aim is to bring more aliveness to your life. Another thing that I want to mention is that aliveness doesn't die all at once, it gets slowly suffocated by things that look from the outside like strength. And as a high-achieving woman, I mean, you know what are those skills, right? One of them is chronic overfunctioning. You know, if you've been always managing, holding the things together, if you know you are the capable one, or you believe you are the rescuer of everyone, of course, your nervous system at all times is gonna be in this fight or flight, being aware of everyone else out there, except of you. And if you are constantly out there, there is no room in here for aliveness, because the body is constantly bracing. Also, if you have experienced a lot of emotional suppression, you know, because if you were pushing your feelings down, you know, to keep going, to look professional, uh to not make things harder, you know, trying to be the strong one, or keeping the peace, or you know, the people pleaser. You know how this one works. All these masks that you've been using is emotional suppression, it's not you, it's not the authentic you. And I want to remind you that unfortunately, unfelt emotion doesn't disappear, it actually compresses. And this is actually the opposite of aliveness, it's like it's being stuck, it's the flatness that you might feel, and as I mentioned before, another killer of alivement is living from the neck up. Because how the hell are you going to feel alive if you are not connected to your body? Unfortunately, with the collective and the experiences that we have through life, somewhere along the way, the body became inconvenient. It was like too slow or too emotional, too unpredictable, and we believed that the mind was enough. So, what happened? You moved in, but again, is aliveness lives in the body, is where you can feel it because you cannot think your way into feeling alive, you only have to feel it. So start shifting, living from the neck up to start living from the neck down. Another thing that is a killer for aliveness, it's living for later. Oh, yes, I'll rest when the kids are older, or I'll figure Out what I want when things calm down. Really? This is perpetually postponing your own life. And the thing is, aliveness only exists now. It doesn't exist in the future. It is now. So don't postpone it. And I want to bring this that the fact that you've been ignoring in a way, and it's not about shaming or for you making you feel guilty. It's more about bringing that awareness of the disconnection that you have had with your body for such a long time. That probably now that I'm telling you all this and you're trying to figure out are you gonna feel like yes, I'm really numbed, or how come I cannot feel anything? Please, please be very compassionate with yourself. Because the body stopped cooperating with you when you keep ignoring it. That's what you were doing. So start little by little connecting back to it, touching yourself, you know, hand with hand, like noticing when you're taking a shower, what's the temperature of the water, noticing when you're putting your clothes, noticing when you are touching a dear one or a pet or yourself, you know, start reconnecting with your body. So that numbness can start, can start to fade away.

Gentle Ways Back To Yourself

Speaker 24:12

How to return to that aliveness that has been buried. Well, first of all, it's not about adding more to your life, you have already enough on your plate, right? It's about removing what has been suffocating it, and stillness is needed, awareness is needed. So one of the things that you can do is to slow down before you speed up because aliveness cannot be achieved, only noticed, and noticing requires stillness. So just take five minutes with not to-do list, no phone, no goals, just five minutes in a stillness with you and just observe and feel your body. Another thing that you can do is to follow the sparks, small sparks. Pay attention to what makes you feel slightly more alive and do more of it. It could be a song that you like, it could be taking a walk with your headphones and listening to a podcast, it could be a very intimate conversation. What is it that sparks you up that you can actually follow? Because those small sparks, it could be a memory, it could be you know better than me. I mean, you know yourself. So look for those moments, ideas that it can bring you more aliveness during your day. I'm sure you can find them. You can. Okay. Also, let yourself want things again. Start asking yourself, what do I actually want? It's not about what you should have or you must have. You know, it doesn't matter if it's realistic or not. What do you want? Just by planting the seed of that desire, it sparks something inside of you, right? You can feel that little aliveness inside of you just by having that desire. Another way of being, I mean, this makes me laugh because I've been there many times. It's another way of feeling alive or bringing your way back, and this could be challenging for you or not, it's letting the hard feelings into, you know, grief, longing, anger. Take the time to experience them. Because if you have lived your life half alive, this doesn't mean that you know that you've been doing something wrong. It's actually a sign that something is waking up in you, and aliveness includes the full range of emotions. Okay, so if you gotta process, if you feel the urge of processing some of these emotions, because there's no good or bad emotions, they are just communicating something, just take the time to experience them. Ninety seconds, two minutes, something like that. Just release it and welcome it all. Okay. I want to ask you to put your hand on the chest and feel your heartbeat. This body, this body that you are in, this beautiful avatar is capable of more aliveness than you've been allowing. She's just waiting for permission to feel, permission to want, permission to be open to the magic that life can offer her. It's up to you to take that permission slip. And if you are here, I believe that it is because you are ready for it. Midlife is just the beginning of one of the best chapters in your life. It is not a season to survive, but to live. So reclaim your aliveness. Reclaim it.

Recap And Your Closing Compass

Speaker 30:26

Summary recap. In this episode you learn that fine is not alive, and many high achieving women have been living in the space between the two for years without a name for what's missing. That aliveness is a felt experience, not a dot. It lives in presence, sensation, desire, and unperformed joy. All things that live in the body. And that the way back is following the small sparks, letting yourself want things again, slowing down enough to feel what's actually underneath. Your aliveness is not lost, she's been underneath everything, waiting for you. So take this as your permission sleep to reclaim it. To close up with this question before you go, when did you last feel genuinely alive? And what was it about that moment that made you feel that way? Let that be your compass. I'll see you the next time. Much love to you as usual.