#76 - When Self-Abandonment Was the Strategy That Worked & How to Come Back Home

You've done everything right. And somehow that's exactly the problem.

This episode is for the woman who has built a beautiful life by overriding herself — and is finally ready to stop.

🦋 You'll Discover:

• Why overriding your intuition isn't a failure of self-trust — it's a nervous system strategy that once kept you safe
• What's really happening when you say yes and mean no — and what it's costing your sense of self
• Why your darker emotions aren't problems to manage — and what they're trying to give back to you

✨ Coming Home Question:
Where in your life right now are you waiting for permission from someone else to trust what your body has already told you?
 

💜 I created Coming HOME for the woman who has done everything right and still feels something is missing. It's free, it's private, and it might be the most important thing you listen to this year — sign up here!

🦋 Midlife Butterfly is a podcast for high-achieving midlife women navigating emotional exhaustion, people pleasing, self-abandonment, nervous system healing, identity shifts, and midlife awakening. Hosted by Kena Siu, Identity & Embodiment Guide.

Instagram: @midlifebutterfly
Website: midlifebutterfly.ca

Music: Back Home by Alex Productions and  Reborn by Alexander Nakarada

Transcript

[00:00:00] Introduction

[00:00:00] Kena Siu: That woman who feels lost in midlife didn't disappear. She just learned very early that making herself smaller kept everyone else comfortable.

[00:00:13] Welcome to Midlife Butterfly, for the high-achieving woman in midlife who has spent years showing up for everyone except herself. This podcast is where emotional exhaustion meets nervous system healing, and where people-pleasing gives way to self-remembrance. I am Kena, your identity and embodiment guide.

[00:00:38] Because I know you are doing the inner work, it's time to settle that wisdom from your mind into your body so you can feel alive again.

[00:00:52] Episode Overview

[00:00:52] Kena Siu: In this episode, you will discover why overriding your intuition isn't a failure of [00:01:00] self-trust. It's a nervous system strategy that once kept you safe. What's really happening when you say yes and mean no, and what it's costing your sense of self. Why your darker emotions aren't problems to manage, and what they are trying to give back to you

[00:01:27] You've done everything right, and somehow that's exactly the problem. Because doing everything right meant doing very little for yourself, and your body has been, and your body has been keeping score that whole time I have segmented this episode in three parts, so stay with me here. I'm sure that they will resonate with you Intuition

[00:01:56] Part 1: Intuition

[00:01:56] Kena Siu: At some point, you stop honoring yourself and chose [00:02:00] to people-please instead. Am I right? It was because you were afraid, afraid of not being loved, not being accepted, not fitting in. And here is the thing, it worked. You got the love, the acceptance. You fit in

[00:02:25] What happened is that your nervous system learned to override yourself so that way you will be safe. And that became the strategy, very unconscious. But since you have repeated it dozens of times, it became automatic. But what you got on the outside started costing you something on the inside.

[00:02:58] The frustration, [00:03:00] the resentment, the knot in your throat, headaches, literal physical signals. What else have you been feeling? because your body is really keeping score.

[00:03:20] And the worst part? I think has been the harshness. Because if you are not yet your best friend, you might be calling yourself names.

[00:03:37] It means that you turn that anger inward. When the only thing that you needed to do was asking this simple question that would have changed everything. What do you want? It doesn't matter the others, you.[00:04:00]

[00:04:00] What do I want? And that's actually where self-trust begins. Not in the big decisions. In that one honest question, instead of overriding your intuition that is there.

[00:04:25] Part 2: Saying No

[00:04:25] Kena Siu: The other part is saying no.

[00:04:31] When you say yes and mean no, notice what happens in your body

[00:04:40] Is there a contraction in the throat? A tightening in the chest? Sometimes the fists close? 'Cause your body always know first, always.

[00:04:56] The mind used to be the queen, and she overrode [00:05:00] everything. I don't want her to be the queen anymore. But the body, because the body was always there. It's been there signaling, waiting to be heard.

[00:05:19] The nervous system keeps registering every yes that you really wanted to say no. It keeps the record, and over time, the cost isn't just, you know, the exhaustion of the resentment. It's your sense of self.

[00:05:40] You start giving your freedom away because you are not honoring what you actually want to do, to say, to be. Therefore, the throat pain, the headaches, they are not random 'Cause the throat is where your truth [00:06:00] lives. Do you know that? Your expression comes from there. So when you silence yourself enough times, the body starts speaking louder.

[00:06:14] So if there's pain that you are feeling or if it just discomfort for now, listen to its whispers

[00:06:26] Listen to it. Because the more connected you become to your body, the faster you will catch it. You will start to notice the contractions almost immediately, and that awareness, oh my God, that's everything. That's everything.

[00:06:54] Remember that saying no to others is sometimes the only way [00:07:00] to say yes to yourself. You gotta recover your sense of self.

[00:07:11] Remember that.

[00:07:14] Part 3: Darker Emotions

[00:07:14] Kena Siu: The third segment of this conversation is about your darker emotions.

[00:07:22] Emotions. Ah, well, first of all, we were not taught how to manage our emotions.

[00:07:32] And then besides that, we were taught that some emotions are bad or dark, so they have to be hidden. That's why a lot of shame and guilt and anger are actually creating so many diseases in human beings. And as a woman especially. We were taught to be the good girl, the nice girl.[00:08:00]

[00:08:00] So forget about showing your dark side. No, no, no, that's not permitted. But let me tell you something. Emotions are neutral. They are not good, they are not bad. They are just showing you the way to feel better. They are guides. That's what basically they are. And everyone has a dark side. Everyone. And it's not about eliminating it, it's about knowing how to be with it.

[00:08:40] And for women in midlife, with hormones shifting every day and every month, and of course, there is these roller coasters happening. I'm not saying this as an excuse, even though sometimes we can use it. It's more about noticing that it's information.

[00:08:59] It's our [00:09:00] biology.

[00:09:05] The nervous system needs to feel safe enough to let these emotions surface. And when it doesn't, they go underground. And from underground, let me tell you, they still run the show.

[00:09:26] They still do. So what do you do when one of those darker emotions shows up? Well, first of all

[00:09:38] Pause to set some awareness. You gotta notice that it's there, and then if it's possible, name it. Name it. Is it shame? Is it anger? Is it frustration? What is it? Sometimes it's gonna be a mix of it. [00:10:00] And I wanna share something 'cause I think it's so funny. With my friends and colleagues that we did the neuroepigenetic breathing certification all together, we actually, you know, when we get this, the angry bitch inside, we call it Chucky.

[00:10:18] Yes, Chucky, like the terrifying doll.

[00:10:25] And you know what happens when you actually, "Oh, Chucky is here, and it's okay" You laugh. You laugh about it. And the cool part is that your nervous system releases, and that's real. I just experienced this yesterday, believe me. And that's exactly what I'm talking about it now.

[00:10:56] So allow Chucky to be there. [00:11:00] We cannot live in happy land at all times. And I wouldn't want to. I think it would be so freaking boring. Because without the darker emotions on the scale, we wouldn't know what it feels like to be at peace, to be alive, to be happy, to be sad So give it permission to be there.

[00:11:29] Name it, and at the same time watch it begin to fade, because it will. Just don't reject it because it will create the opposite effect. It will get stuck in there.

[00:11:50] By allowing it and surrendering to these emotions that you are experiences. This is actually for me what emotional intelligence [00:12:00] is. And yeah, unfortunately or fortunately, we should have learned it earlier, but we're learning it now. So let's just go with it and be grateful for it.

[00:12:19] So these three, your intuition, the no, the darker emotions They are not separate conversations. I was trying to put all this together, and I figured out that these are the same women trying to find your way back to yourself. This is you. This is me. What happened is that your nervous system learned to override, to say yes, to bury what felt convenient.

[00:12:56] It was the strategy that work [00:13:00] until it didn't. Because you can feel the discomfort now, the off-ness.

[00:13:12] And now the work isn't about fixing anything because you are not broken. You were never been broken. It's about remembering. It's about coming home to yourself, to the woman who was always there underneath the programming.

[00:13:35] And 

[00:13:36] Embodiment Practice: The Body Knows First

[00:13:47] Kena Siu: I want to share with you an embodiment practice. Let's call it the body knows first because it does. So I invite you to think of one recent moment where you said yes and meant no. Something small is fine. Doesn't have to be something big. [00:14:00] And if you are in a safe place, close your eyes if that feels comfortable. If you are not, please leave this for later on. Where did you feel that no first before you spoke?

[00:14:18] Was it your throat, chest, your hands, your stomach? What part of your body? Where do you feel it. And place a hand there. Breathe into it.

[00:14:51] Do not analyze it.

[00:14:55] Just say, "I see you. [00:15:00] I hear you. You were right."

[00:15:06] I see you. I hear you. You were right.

[00:15:17] And if something darker comes up, name it. Even if you call it Chucky, give it permission to be there. This is how you begin to rebuild trust with yourself. One small moment of listening at a time.

[00:15:42] Self-trust is not built in the big moments. It's built every time you pause like you just did now. You pause long enough to feel what you already know and choose yourself [00:16:00] anyway.

[00:16:00]

[00:16:04] Summary & Coming Home

[00:16:04] Kena Siu: Summary recap. In this episode, you learned. Why overriding your intuition isn't a failure of self-trust. It's a nervous system strategy that once kept you safe. What's really happening when you say yes and mean no, and what is costing your sense of self.

[00:16:27] Why your darker emotions aren't problems to manage and what they are trying to give back to you.

[00:16:38] I know some of you listening right now are exactly where I just described. I don't think I'm the only one. I've been there. I was there yesterday with the Chucky being present with me. And that's what exactly I created Coming Home for the woman who keeps doing the inner work, and we are still here [00:17:00] to improve ourselves and to dig in a bit more of who you truly are, right?

[00:17:08] Coming Home is a private podcast. It's free. You can sign up and the link is in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here, sending you lots, lots of love, and I hope to see you in the next episode.